They were sitting on the longest, least splintered log available. It wasn’t your typical beach wood, it looked more like a pillar or a beam, rectangular and slightly sunken into the sand so that they sat leaning towards the water. There were large rusted bolts on each end of the log and some tar patches scattered along one of the vertical sides. The tide seemed to have an endless rotation of logs and beams such as this one, along with hypodermic needles, tampon cartridges, and other assorted trash. James grew up here, Mikey had only been hanging out here for the short time that they’d been friends, but he found the filth and isolation of the beach quite charming.
“I don’t think that’s how it works man,” James said with a slight grin.
“Why not? The water’s cold, it can make them cold. That’s like basic shit,” Mikey responded.
“Yea…but it’ not like that cold, it would have to be super fuckin’ cold to make something else cold, like cold as a fridge. I doubt that the water’s cold as a fridge.”
“You guy’s went swimming in it last weekend and you said it was freezing.”
“Yea…cuz it was night time. It wasn’t the water that was freezing, it was freezing when I got out and I was all wet. I’m pretty sure that shit is like determined by what the temperature is outside.”
“I don’t think the temperature of the water changes like that drastically.”
“Well pond’s freeze, people fish on frozen ponds.”
“Yea but this is the fuckin’ ocean,” James said chuckling at Mikey’s persistence, “and it’s only November.”
“Well what the fuck do we have to lose, you already said we can’t sneak them into your freezer, so let’s give it a shot.”
“Look, I’m all for giving it a shot, but like, don’t get your hopes up.”
“My hopes are up,” Mikey said laughing stubbornly, “I’ve never been so confident.”
They ran over to the broken bucket that they found in the weeds and brought it down to the water to fill up. James continued, unwilling to let the debate die.
“Look, if they didn’t get cold overnight, how would the water be cold enough to suddenly act as a fridge?”
“Because it’s cold out…whatever let’s just fuckin try it.”
They brought the bucket of ocean water back to the log, then ran over to the weeds to retrieve the half full 18 pack of assorted cheap beers they were hiding. They started dumping the beers into the bucket, James grabbed a submerged can, he began to laugh.
“This water is not cold at all.”
Mikey continued to dump the beers in, “I know…fuck.”
They stood over the full bucket for a minute then looked up at each other and burst out laughing while shaking their heads in disappointment.
“This is fuckin stupid,” Mikey finally admitted.
“Yep… I guess we can just try and drink them warm?”
“Shit…they’re gonna be so gross.”
“Whatever, like, what the fuck else are we gonna do.”
“Aright, fuck it,” Mikey said shaking his head, “but leave the other ones, who knows, maybe they’ll get a little cold,” he said with a grin.
James laughed, “let it go.”
“They’re not gonna get warmer, let’s just leave them.”
They grabbed a warm beer each from the bucket and sat back down on the log. They opened the beers, took a sip, grimaced, and then agreed that they weren’t so bad.
They grimaced through their beers as the sun moved through the sky, away from the façade of Coney Island on the horizon. They finally admitted that beer was pretty awful, but drank on anyway.
“So, anything happen with that Liz girl?”
James slightly grinned, “nah, not really. The cops broke everything up before we could like do anything, ya know.”
“Man that sucks, damn pigs. It was pretty nuts, I just ran straight into the weeds.”
“Yea… we just like ran straight down the beach. Then her and her friends were like spooked, so they went up to the bus to go home. But whatever, that girl’s like retarded anyway.”
Mikey shrugged, “I don’t know, she’s pretty cute.”
James shrugged and turned his head towards the water, “whatever, probably not worth the head ache. She’s got like no tits.”
Mikey took a sip of a warm Milwaukee’s Best, “yea. When I was going out with Nicole for those few weeks, I was touching her tits at one point, and they were SO far apart, and squishy, like an old lady.” They burst out laughing.
“Yea… why’d you even bother with her? She’s a fuckin weirdo,” James said before cracking open a Busch Light.
Mikey shrugged, “I don’t know, she wore Misfits shirts and stuff, she seemed cool at first…plus I didn’t realize how far apart her tits were.” They burst out laughing again
“All it takes is like a Misfits shirt to make any tits look good to you, I guess.”
Mikey finished his Milwaukees best and nodded, “yea pretty much.”
The beers began to suddenly taste better, and the conversation drifted towards asses, it would’ve eventually went towards vaginas if they had a clue, but they talked about piercings instead. Mikey found nose piercings to be hot, James went the classic tongue route.
Mikey grabbed a Keystone from the bucket as the sun began to go down, “the water’s defnily makin them colder,” he slurred a bit.
“Keep tell’n yaself that.”
Mikey gave out a quick laugh, “it is! Oh! Did I tell you my calenner idea… Calen-DER idea?” He laughed again.
James shook his head, pretending the alcohol was having no such effect on him, “no, what’s this idea?”
“Oh it’s great. Ya know how they have like these calenners with like fuckin, fuckin a hot girl every month, or like a cute dog every month, or like the douchebag fuckin firefighter calendar?”
James laughed, “yes…I’ve seen a calendar before,” he rotated his hand clockwise out in front of him as if to say ‘get to the point.’
“Alright, fuck you man, anyway, so you have a calenner where every month is a different hot girl in a lil bikini or whatever, walkin’ a dog and pickin up it’s poop!” Mikey fell backwards in laughter.
James keeled over into his own lap and laughed so hard that he barely made any noise. This went on for a few minutes. James finally responded, “that’s fuckin genius, I would buy like 12.”
Mikey wiped tears from his eyes, “right? Pickin up the poop! In a bikini!” they both went down in laughter again.
The laughter died down as the lights of the Verrazano Bridge went on. They traded sayings of “fuck, that’s good,” while drying their eyes. There was one Schaeffer and Bud left respectively at the bottom of the bucket. The water never made them colder but left grains of sand in the lip of the cans. They spat out grains as they grabbed the beers. “Last ones,” James solemnly said as he cracked his open. They took long swigs followed by spitting out more grains of sand. They stared at the half pipe like glow of the bridge and the moon peaking over the edge of Brooklyn. It was silent until James received a text message.
“Ohhh nice, Rich got some weed and he wants to know if we wanna throw 5 on it.”
“Fucccckkk yeaaa. Oh, shit, fuccckkkk no, shit. I spent my last 5 on a metrocard. Damn it!”
“Whatever, I got you, just pay my 5 for the beers next time.”
“What a guy, what a fella, thanks Jimmy boy.”
“No problemo Michael,” James received another text, “awesome, he’s headin down here now.”
They couldn’t wait to tell him all about the calendars and warm beers. Suddenly, their night was just getting started.